April 16, 2012
A Suicide Note

Isn’t it enough already that you are waiting for almost nothing and noone, but you even need to feel the pain of that almost someone who you think could be the “one” but then again is just someone who you have no idea of his significance in your life. 

I have to admit and don’t want to be a hypocrite that I’m tired of being along like this. Worst is that you hope for that someone you found connection with only to find that you are 7,000 miles away from him. I abhor distance more than anything else in the world. But then again, is it guaranteed that i’m actually near him; we could happen? Now I’m really not sure.

But I guess it’s really too late for me because I’ve fallen. It wasn’t fast because it took almost five years to actually admit that to myself. I actually refused to believe it because first of all, it is crazy and pathetic to fall for someone you only see on camera through your computer and have communications through the internet. Yes you are free to say it, my life is sad.

But there shouldn’t be any room for hopelessness and giving up. I’m just writing this now because no one has no idea what i’m going through right now. Love is crazy and there is no way anyone can just box its definition. 

All my life I have decided to be strong and even ask for grace when it comes to this matter. I think twice before feeling things and even when I’m already feeling it, I battle it with my mind that I shouldn’t feel that way. But I think I’m done. I want to cry so hard right now but I can’t because people might hear me and think that I’ve lost it. But to hell what people think and I’m going to live my life, fall in love and laugh at their judgements because I know that deep inside their criticisms is also a longing that we all humans have the same with.

I didn’t expect to fall in love with him but it just happened. Yes, there are things that just happens no matter how much you brainwash yourself that you are not supposed to feel that. For the first time in my life, I am now in love. How am I sure you ask? 

First, I don’t think about him all the time but when I do; I always see my future with him. 2nd, he’s the only guy I really felt comfortable talking to about anything and everything. There are no judgements when we talk, there are no limits about the subject. And despite of the ocean between us, we still manage to talk to each other and update on each other’s lives. 

7,000 miles is a large number and if we don’t get to see each in this lifetime then destiny is just cruel. I have thought about that a lot of times, then the two us are nothing but friends who lived apart from the very beginning till the end of their lives. This is a suicide to emotion and the heart as well. But I can’t just kill this feeling.

But the question remains, what if we really don’t get to meet each other and stayed like this forever? I will always look for him even when I know how and where to find him. I will always care about him even when time comes he finds someone else who will care about him so much. I will always love him even if I need to battle with time and space because I know that what I feel is real.

Right now there is no answer to all my questions of the matter. Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow.